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She Ran
Until There’s Nothing Left
These days, i wonder if i'm making the right choices. Every decision i
make is influenced by someone else and i know that it shouldn't be that
way, but it is and i can't seem to stop it. I thought i had it all
figured out, go to college, grad school, get a job, but that all seems
to be crashing down in front of me. I can't keep pursuing dreams that i
don't even believe in, or think i beleive in. My mind is torn in a
billion directions. i want to do a little bit of everything, just as a
safety, i need to keep my options open. But the problem is that
i'm not good at anything. I am not passionate about anything. I have no
interests in anything. I feel like all my life i've been working so
hard to achieve something, but why, when faced with these obstacles, i
feel defeated? School was all i had, it was my thing. When i was good
at it at least. But these days, my life is filled with regret and
uncertainty. Is there a way to get rid of this mindframe that i am in?
And if there were, would i have the balls to do it? That's my thing, i
can't commit. I can't get myself to care enough to dedicate myself to
anything. My indifference has been my downfall. Starting with school
and destroying every other peice of me. I feel broken. Maybe a little
superglue to mend the cracks. Insert a quarter and perhaps i'll get
going again. But nothing works. I think i just need to be taken back
and exchanged for someone else.
And i thought college was supposed to help you figure out who you are.
But i think it's only making me lose a part of myself, maybe the part that i never had at all.
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Seems like
just yesterday, you were a part of me.
I hate the things that make me feel like a bad person. Lying. Cheating.
Stealing. Talking behind people's backs. Failure. Miscommunication.
Misunderstanding. I hate it all. Funny how a simple action can carry
such high consequences. Because really, what's to stop me from hating
myself in the end? Nothing. Often times i reflect on the choices that
i've made and i just think how poorly i judged the situation. I could
have done the right thing so many times, but my problem is that i never
consider the consequences beforehand. I'm also a pretty selfish person.
But of course i'm going to be the one to watch out for myself, because,
in the end, there isn't going to be anyone there except me. I have this
people complex. Awkward situations are my thing. It seems like i'm
really bad at being a human being. After 18.5 years, you'd think i'd
get the hang of it, but it's actually harder than it looks. So for
those of you who have mastered the art of living a happy life, good for
you.
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| Things never really seem real until someone else says it first. I mean, you can think something over and over again, but it will never feel real until someone else is thinking it too. So i guess this is real. And i'm not the only one who feels this way. I was just trying too hard to deny the truth that is so obviously present. I just kept thinking, if i don't admit there's a problem, there isn't a problem. But the truth is, I miss it. And apparently, i'm not alone. But the funny thing is, no matter how sad i feel, it's not like i'm doing anything to stop it. I'm just sitting here, watching it happen, and taking it in like a soldier. And before i know it, i'll be there, and you'll be here, and we'll probably never get the chance to fix it, and that makes me even more sad. But what are you gonna do, this was an inevitable consequence. I knew it would happen, i knew it would be just like this, so why do i feel so unprepared? | | |
| It's times like these i wish the time would go twice as fast.
So i've been doing a pretty good job at battling senioritis and i feel as if i should be well in a few days. As for what's next, heh, who knows. All i know is that i want to watch Star Wars and then go lay out under the sun so i can turn tan and fit in with my "people" next year down south. Maybe have some more sleep over parties and tell scary stories. Play some board games and eat cake. This is shaping up to be a very eventful summer. Work hard and play hard, that's the way it should be.
As for everything else, time will work itself out. If not, i'll just ignore it and pretend it's not real, and tomorrow will be a better day. | | |
| I should really get over myself. I can't believe that i actually thought i could get away with cramming all my homework in on one day. How silly it was for me to think that i could do anything and everything. What a terrible way to end spring break, doing homework.
On the plus side, the rain makes my music sound so much better and my bed so much warmer. There's nothing like staying inside and eating grapes on a very rainy day. | | |
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